page 23 of 30												index


In those last 

		weeks and days 
		I also saw, 
		
		for the first time, 
		
		the fear that he had always 
		hidden so carefully; 
		a secret, 
		hidden force in his life.
 
		
		As I sat watching him drift slowly away, 
		old memories began reshaping themselves 
		into new insights. 
		
		I came to pity him 
		for the curious double-bind 
		he had created for himself. 
		
		He had fetishized 
		the strength and power 
		of the male body, 
		
		embellishing it 
		into a cult of power. 
		
		But his own body 
		also inspired intense fear, 
		particularly his need for touch 
		and physical intimacy.
		
		
 
		And above all, 
		he was most afraid 
		of the bodies 
		of other men.
		
		
I had always . . .