In those last
weeks and days
I also saw,
for the first time,
the fear that he had always
hidden so carefully;
a secret,
hidden force in his life.
As I sat watching him drift slowly away,
old memories began reshaping themselves
into new insights.
I came to pity him
for the curious double-bind
he had created for himself.
He had fetishized
the strength and power
of the male body,
embellishing it
into a cult of power.
But his own body
also inspired intense fear,
particularly his need for touch
and physical intimacy.
And above all,
he was most afraid
of the bodies
of other men.
I had always . . .